Dane Cook

That Animal Channel is crazy. Then that little fuckin Australian dude comes out. He's always yelling at the camera, "Hello...come on follow me, let's go. Come on, let's go on an adventure!" I'm in my living room putting my pants on "I'm coming! Where are my keys? I gotta pick this guy up. WHAT LAGOON ARE YOU IN?" That dude's nuts. I seen an episode the other day, he comes to a lake there's like 14 crocodiles snapping, rolling around. He looks at the camera he goes, "I'm gonna dive in, just to see what happens." He's walking through the woods like, "Look a beehive. I'm gonna shove my head in, take a look around. Gorgeous, gorgeous! Come on, follow me as I bitch-slap this baboon. Gorgeous! I'm gonna shove my balls in this horses mouth and hit him with a lead pipe. Join me tomorrow when I rape a cow just for spite! Crikey!"

It was Peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful EYE!"

I had to go to the DMV. Or as I like to call it, "Satan's Asshole".

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I have a new saying, what I see in vegas, I am telling everybody

if a chaloopa is attacking you, ahhhh ... just open your mouth, and just let it

I like to challenge myself in many ways. Go from being raw and deviant to light and observational. Vulgar and blunt to eloquent and gentle. It doesn't always work but I fucking commit to it like no one you know. It's all I have so why not die by the sword right?

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead ...

"Fun fact for ya: First car I ever got head in? 'Vette. It was old and beat-up - the worst condition `Vette I've ever seen. Someone should have been punished for treating it like that. I was seventeen. It was behind a supermarket. Real classy."

I just want to run up and slap my dad's ass and run off screaming, "I'm your son from the future.! Ahh! I'm your son. From the future!"